Top Ten Madonna Tips For a Happy Marriage
10. Wedding reception great place to meet guys
9. In pre-nuptial agreement, get rights to all sex videos you make together
8. Draw up a household budget of, say, $2 million a month and stick to it
7. Be up front about your past lovers, even if it takes all weekend to list them
6. Get on wife's good side by calling Letterman an a**hole
5. Communication is important -- make sure your people and his people talk frequently
4. Keep romance alive by beating up tabloid photographers together
3. Celebrate little anniversaries, like the first time you were rumored to be cheating on each other
2. It takes 2 to make a successful marriage work -- it takes 5 or 6 to make things interesting
1. Only marry a man who loves you as much as you love yourself
Top Ten Bill Clinton Tips For a Happy, Healthy Marriage
10. Try not to preface sex with, "Do I have to?"
9. Don't embarrass her in front of the entire world -- women hate that.
8. Never ever ever wife-swap with the Shalalas.
7. Every few months, let her run the country.
6. If you must smoke cigars, get an actual humidor.
5. Six key words: deny, deny, deny, apologize, apologize, apologize.
4. Have them geniuses at Nasa develop a space ray that makes her forget what a bastard you are.
3. Remember, it takes two people to maintain a cold, loveless marriage of convenience.
2. Celebrate anniversary with a passionate night of lovemaking, and let her know how it went.
1. Don't get caught.
Top Ten Signs of Trouble in the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley Marriage
10. Michael going through noses faster than ever.
9. She's flirting with Tito.
8. If two completely normal people like Roseanne and Tom can't make it, then these kids don't have a chance.
7. Lately, Michael's been acting kind of weird.
6. Four words: Marriage tips from Liz
5. Michael caught wearing another woman's make-up.
4. He put the Club on the bedroom door.
3. Michael spotted in Central Park with Soon-Yi.
2. She wants the toilet seat left down, and he... well, actually, no trouble there.
1. Now they're both touching themselves.
Top Ten Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage
10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom
3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
2. Stocking aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace
1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants
Top Ten Signs There's Trouble in the Barbie and Ken Marriage
10. Ken overheard at bar saying he'd like to find "a woman with bendable elbows."
9. Years-old feud about who can go longer without blinking.
8. After sex, she said, "You ain't exactly Stretch Armstrong."
7. Ken's extensive collection of gay porn.
6. While Ken's asleep, Barbie covers him with bacon grease so neighbor's dog will chew him to shreds and bury him.
5. They're arguing over custody of the Beanie Babies.
4. She wants the kids raised as dolls, and he wants them raised as action figures.
3. He's been coming home late at night reeking of Silly Putty.
2. Personal ad reads, "Curvy blonde seeks anatomically-correct guy."
1. Lewinsky!
